I Never Said it was Clever

Ha! I made something, from raw materials and tools, and it turned out the way it was supposed to. Imagine that!

Ok, so what I made involved 2 wooden boards, a pair of hinges and a handful of nuts and bolts. If your average 13 year old handed it in as a CDT (or whatever the hell they call it these days) project they'd be lucky to get a passing mark. But that doesn't matter to me, because I made it, all by myself, and it works. Even more.. I went into a timber shop and came out with the materials I wanted, without at any moment stuttering or making myself look or feel like an idiot. This means I broke a barrier, I did something I was previously afraid to do. Like the first time you walk into a music shop and see those mocking eyes look at you, because you're an idiot and they are experts. Like the first time you ask a girl out, and she doesn't laugh in your face (one day).

I understand how pathetic all this is for a 30 year old man. But y'know, baby steps. 

I've been enjoying actually doing stuff quite a lot recently, getting my teeth stuck into my work, waking up each morning and making a list of things to do, then just doing them, no excuses. It's good. Makes you feel better. When you know you've done a good full days work you can relax better (no you can't), you can switch your brain off (from everything except what you've been working on), you feel energised (I'm fucked). It's good though, definitely good.

My Old Man's a Dustman

Like most of the world, I'm sat watching the results of the US Presidential Election coming in and waiting for them to announce the first black President in history. But as important and as significant as everything about this election might be, I can't help but thinking about the two guys running for the job, and why the hell they are doing it.

They've worked relentlessly for months, even years to get to this place, they've spent everything they have in terms of finances, energy, thoughts and emotions, and tomorrow morning, the winner... note the term 'winner', wakes up with all the responsibilities of the world on his shoulders... for at least 4 years!

I'll be honest, I get a bit sweaty palmed if I have to remember to buy milk on the way home (speaking of which, I forgot to buy milk on the way home), but this guy will be responsible for the lives of millions of people, thousands of which are in the middle of wars, and that's just one issue he'll have to deal with before dinner. Power, immortality, sense of achievement and the will to improve or affect the world are all well and good, but why would any human being put themselves under that kind of pressure? To take a job where you will make not only life & death decisions, both on a massive scale and a personal one, but you could feasibly make a mistake that would end the world, either in the long term, or very short term.

Not a chance mate, not a chance.

A Little Less Conversation

I used to enjoy tests at school, and I get a kick out of playing the fancy new electronic quiz machines they put in drinking holes these days. It occurred to me today that I treat conversations as if they were one of these things too. I comment quite often on how I'll rarely start or lead a conversation, and I haven't got the faintest idea how or why people think to talk about the things they do. It's a puzzle, it really is. But anyway, I forget my point. Wait. Gimme a second.

Yeah, conversations, as if they were a quiz, a game even. I enjoy reacting to what's said to me, listening to what is said and trying to respond in the way that will get the best reaction. Usually I'll be aiming for laughter, as it's a rare day that I'll find myself embroiled in a discussion about anything that actually means something. But sometimes it's just a smile you want, a smile that indicates you've solved a problem, or shown an alternative perspective, or made someone feel better about themselves. Sometimes you want a different reaction entirely, but that depends what particular game you're playing, and who you're playing it with.

The games have rules too, you can't just say what you think people want to hear, because you have to factor in honesty, and a bigger picture. Sometimes the games are short term and simple and all you want to do is get that laugh, at any expense. Sometimes they're more complex and can happen over a period, or several periods, of time and you might have to force some negative effects to get a bigger positive.

Sometimes the prize is different, it could be information, or objects, or actions. Or all of the above, but even then, you know you can score the bonus points by bringing in some more human results, more personal results, as fringe benefits to the exchange.

I don't think I'm gonna win any prizes for incision with this little blog. But I've enjoyed thinking about building blocks for a bit.