Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me.
Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
----------------------------------------------
when you wake up with a storming hangover and the terrible fear of what you may or may not have said or done during the missing moments of the previous evening (checked phone sent texts - a minor miracle, nothing to shame me there) there is one thing gauranteed to make it all better.. stumbling accross a film you dearly love... karma today says i'm not such a bad person after all.. and jimmy stewart gently makes my day with a few choice words
added to this last night, i put something together that could very easily have been, from some angles, a dissapoinment... it's hard watching quality bands play to small or disinterested audiences... but, it wasn't.. it was actually a wonderful evening shared with a good number of people... and it didn't stop with the bands... the place i now work is finally becoming the place i always felt it could be
it almost makes up for the set back currently in force on the project closest to my heart
i'm feeling a little too content with everything at this moment, this is dangerous of course, as we speak i can feel the sword of damocles poised to fall, one big crushing blow to punish me for daring to feel comfortable, maybe even a little optimistic... i feel we should open a book on what form this cataclysm will take... answers on a postcard
i wonder if anyone actually reads these, it does seem a strange thing for people to do, then again, people are nosey so & sos
if you do, don't be mistaken by the tone of the above... i'm still woe.. it's just that sunday is a day of rest
Sunday, 9 July 2006
Saturday, 8 July 2006
the public diary of russell carlton age 27&3/4 - day 6
you might be asking why there isn't a 'day 5'
there is, i'm just not going to tell you about it..so ner
this was going to be a happier blog, but then 45seconds ago i got some shitty news so you've all been saved
hopes are for chumps kids, don't have them
i am the anti-fight club, i'm moving home so my thoughts are clouded with possessions, not many.. a big bed, a big comfy old sofa, the biggest fucking tv my credit card will pay for
i WILL be my possessions
and there's a gym in the apartments.. so i might even try that self-improvement shit
crap.. i'm a 30something.. it's probably better you shoot me now
form an orderly queue
x
(this blog is substandard, normal service will be resumed when i'm less annoyed)
there is, i'm just not going to tell you about it..so ner
this was going to be a happier blog, but then 45seconds ago i got some shitty news so you've all been saved
hopes are for chumps kids, don't have them
i am the anti-fight club, i'm moving home so my thoughts are clouded with possessions, not many.. a big bed, a big comfy old sofa, the biggest fucking tv my credit card will pay for
i WILL be my possessions
and there's a gym in the apartments.. so i might even try that self-improvement shit
crap.. i'm a 30something.. it's probably better you shoot me now
form an orderly queue
x
(this blog is substandard, normal service will be resumed when i'm less annoyed)
Thursday, 6 July 2006
the public diary of russell carlton age 27&3/4 - day 4
so
last night in the early hours i was joined by an unexpected little mattress companion, she rested her tired legs gently on my nose stirring me from slumber, before a quick flap took her onto my cheek where i'm pretty sure she began feeding on my bitter sweet perspiration
had she got her fill and left me to sleep i wouldn't have minded, at least i could wake the next day safe in the knowledge that someone had left my bed fulfilled, but no, miss buzz buzz kept coming back for more and more and more for maybe 2 hours, and not even a cup of tea after. i was left feeling used and with a strange sense of paranoia that removed all but the smallest relief of slumber for the rest of my horizontal time
the sunbleached afternoon began optimistically in the bakery and stayed on good terms until the last bite of the gingerbread man at which point had had a new wheelbarrow of responsibilities popped in my intray to remind me what i am..
bullet points of news include
i've been approved for my new flat.. so this time next week i can be contemplating the continual misery of living in slightly more pleasant surroundings (with a slightly worse off bank balance)
star27 are to play in this nations capital for the first time.. i am refusing to forumulate feelings on this as pride always comes before a fall
*looks longingly out of the window at the unforgiving 100watt sky*
what wonders will tonight bring?
x
last night in the early hours i was joined by an unexpected little mattress companion, she rested her tired legs gently on my nose stirring me from slumber, before a quick flap took her onto my cheek where i'm pretty sure she began feeding on my bitter sweet perspiration
had she got her fill and left me to sleep i wouldn't have minded, at least i could wake the next day safe in the knowledge that someone had left my bed fulfilled, but no, miss buzz buzz kept coming back for more and more and more for maybe 2 hours, and not even a cup of tea after. i was left feeling used and with a strange sense of paranoia that removed all but the smallest relief of slumber for the rest of my horizontal time
the sunbleached afternoon began optimistically in the bakery and stayed on good terms until the last bite of the gingerbread man at which point had had a new wheelbarrow of responsibilities popped in my intray to remind me what i am..
bullet points of news include
i've been approved for my new flat.. so this time next week i can be contemplating the continual misery of living in slightly more pleasant surroundings (with a slightly worse off bank balance)
star27 are to play in this nations capital for the first time.. i am refusing to forumulate feelings on this as pride always comes before a fall
*looks longingly out of the window at the unforgiving 100watt sky*
what wonders will tonight bring?
x
Tuesday, 4 July 2006
the public diary of russell carlton age 27&3/4 - day 3
Fucking bloc party! Recording your album so much louder than standard is just rude. Ive a good mind to sue you for hearing damage.
Todays poo index: appearance many nuggets in a thin soup. Frequency 4 so far since 12.30pm. time between waking and first disposal.. 20minutes.
So, last nights time of sweet sweet oblivion was greatly interrupted, the light and the heat bringing me back to reality over and over. I am angry at having the best part of the day peppered with so many moments of hideous awareness, but still nothing can beet that feeling of being conscious and knowing all you have to do is lay back down and drift into wondrous nothingness for a few more hours.
Wednesdays are perhaps my favourite day, largely because they dont start till the afternoon and if I select the correct purchase for breakfast I can spend almost the entire working day eating.
The mechanics of my working day, like those of anyone, are too dull and meaningless (and of course woe) to pass on, but the shining achievement of the past 5 hours was to give a piece of solid advice that will be ignored (but not forgotten, life is too unkind to allow anyone blissful ignorance of their own failings) within hours if not minutes of its being stated. Such is the futility of doing anything. Well, stuff it, let the circle of woe continue, one day well all be so woe well do something about it.. wait.. I wonder if thats what happened to lemmings.
Im currently trying something different. I didnt leave work, go home, de-pant, switch on the tv and start half watching malcolm in the middle repeats while logged in. I bought a bottle of chemicalised water and headed for the park. Im sat amongst trees within view of a river and in that solitude with unlimited possibilities that hippies the century over have seemed so content with,
I itch from top to toe, everything smells faintly of shit and the schoolboy inside me is in fear that bigger boys will throw my laptop in the river. And not one girl in a floaty summery dress has smiled at me. This, people, is why the hippy movement failed. As well as the fact that they didnt eat enough meat, how can anyone have a fulfilled life if they dont cause unthinkable suffering to another living thing on a daily basis? It just makes no sense.
Simpsons is on in 20minutes so Im off home to post this, wash the nature out of my arse crack and email jack white telling him he looks like an otter.
Stay tuned for further self-gratuitous mental vomits.
Stay woe. x
Todays poo index: appearance many nuggets in a thin soup. Frequency 4 so far since 12.30pm. time between waking and first disposal.. 20minutes.
So, last nights time of sweet sweet oblivion was greatly interrupted, the light and the heat bringing me back to reality over and over. I am angry at having the best part of the day peppered with so many moments of hideous awareness, but still nothing can beet that feeling of being conscious and knowing all you have to do is lay back down and drift into wondrous nothingness for a few more hours.
Wednesdays are perhaps my favourite day, largely because they dont start till the afternoon and if I select the correct purchase for breakfast I can spend almost the entire working day eating.
The mechanics of my working day, like those of anyone, are too dull and meaningless (and of course woe) to pass on, but the shining achievement of the past 5 hours was to give a piece of solid advice that will be ignored (but not forgotten, life is too unkind to allow anyone blissful ignorance of their own failings) within hours if not minutes of its being stated. Such is the futility of doing anything. Well, stuff it, let the circle of woe continue, one day well all be so woe well do something about it.. wait.. I wonder if thats what happened to lemmings.
Im currently trying something different. I didnt leave work, go home, de-pant, switch on the tv and start half watching malcolm in the middle repeats while logged in. I bought a bottle of chemicalised water and headed for the park. Im sat amongst trees within view of a river and in that solitude with unlimited possibilities that hippies the century over have seemed so content with,
I itch from top to toe, everything smells faintly of shit and the schoolboy inside me is in fear that bigger boys will throw my laptop in the river. And not one girl in a floaty summery dress has smiled at me. This, people, is why the hippy movement failed. As well as the fact that they didnt eat enough meat, how can anyone have a fulfilled life if they dont cause unthinkable suffering to another living thing on a daily basis? It just makes no sense.
Simpsons is on in 20minutes so Im off home to post this, wash the nature out of my arse crack and email jack white telling him he looks like an otter.
Stay tuned for further self-gratuitous mental vomits.
Stay woe. x
morons blog - day 2 -supplemental
so i went to work... it was a slow start, a very slow start, i was covering the early shift... i played the violent femmes, it cleared the room, people are stupid.. it was all about the emo, seems they're only happy when they are bearing the deep anguish of the exsistance with raised fist and rehearsed dance moves.. a room full of budding actors (actors is a unisex term.. check me out being in the 21st century.. the equality policemen have nothing on me)
they are woe
a room full of mutual woe... what a ridiculous thing
thank the lord for pop music
oh wait.. i'm woe.. shit.. yeah..woe... i went to work and cried all night over the ugliness in all the human interaction i saw.... yeah that's better
much better
woe
they are woe
a room full of mutual woe... what a ridiculous thing
thank the lord for pop music
oh wait.. i'm woe.. shit.. yeah..woe... i went to work and cried all night over the ugliness in all the human interaction i saw.... yeah that's better
much better
woe
the public diary of russell carlton age 27&3/4 - day 2
well, woe, well
as yesterday entered the darkness of night it was as predictable as it could be, disappointment in the national media, disappointment in the availability of beverage choice behind the bar of the yellow place, disappointment that that girls parents let her go out in public in just those pants (kids today!), disappointment in myself that i still remember it
dis - appointment
finalised with unexpected voices from the old days and then the sweet sweet embrace of unconsciousness
the new days peeling was not as severe, perhaps this was to be a better day...
no
the heat was simply waiting in the wings to pound me later
a baron day, a suffocating baron day
i worked, though lack of else to do, i worked through the woe but the woe would not leave, why won't the woe leave me to my own personal peace.. WHY??
it's time for the evening again.. and whatever joys it may hold.. *sigh*
oooo Haribo!
as yesterday entered the darkness of night it was as predictable as it could be, disappointment in the national media, disappointment in the availability of beverage choice behind the bar of the yellow place, disappointment that that girls parents let her go out in public in just those pants (kids today!), disappointment in myself that i still remember it
dis - appointment
finalised with unexpected voices from the old days and then the sweet sweet embrace of unconsciousness
the new days peeling was not as severe, perhaps this was to be a better day...
no
the heat was simply waiting in the wings to pound me later
a baron day, a suffocating baron day
i worked, though lack of else to do, i worked through the woe but the woe would not leave, why won't the woe leave me to my own personal peace.. WHY??
it's time for the evening again.. and whatever joys it may hold.. *sigh*
oooo Haribo!
Monday, 3 July 2006
the public diary of russell carlton age 27&3/4 - day 1
today i awoke with the slow disgusting realisation that i while i'd been asleep the world had turned into a giant slow burning oven, i peeled my head from the pillow, my arms from my back and chest and my scrotum from my inner thigh (which tickled a little).. i let my heart fill again with the woe of daily existance and laid staring into the emptyness until my bowels inevitably made it very necessary that i move... and fast!
subitably evacuated i readed myself for work.. at which the stifling heat only served to cook the misery and darkness of my soul to a gentle simmer... not even a bloody proper boil! Even my suffering is mediocre.
After work i went to the bed shop.
it was closed.. i wept softly to myself.
Since then I have been here, contemplating the pointlessness of myself and of moving from the relative safety of my sweat moistened sanctuary, the simpsons as usual made my day worthwhile for moments.. but moments alone.
I will now leave you to wash away the pains of the day (so i have a blank canvass for the pains of the night) and commence my futile listening to lamacq live hoping to hear the evidence that something i contributed to is considered worthwhile.
stay tuned for further tales of glee
subitably evacuated i readed myself for work.. at which the stifling heat only served to cook the misery and darkness of my soul to a gentle simmer... not even a bloody proper boil! Even my suffering is mediocre.
After work i went to the bed shop.
it was closed.. i wept softly to myself.
Since then I have been here, contemplating the pointlessness of myself and of moving from the relative safety of my sweat moistened sanctuary, the simpsons as usual made my day worthwhile for moments.. but moments alone.
I will now leave you to wash away the pains of the day (so i have a blank canvass for the pains of the night) and commence my futile listening to lamacq live hoping to hear the evidence that something i contributed to is considered worthwhile.
stay tuned for further tales of glee
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