Don't touch me, I'm sick.

I read the news today oh boy, 4000.. something something something that rhymes with Lancashire. There's a problem down at the NHS, turns out that this week it has become unacceptable to have mixed sex wards in a hospital, some woman was worried that her recovery might be hindered by worrying about whether she looks good, or whether she was showing her bits to men she didn't know... like she'd never done that before. 

Now I can't help but think the NHS has better things to be worried about, life and death stuff, like life and death. To have to turn attention, resources and badly needed money to separating the sexes in wards, no doubt leading to badly needed beds going unused because they are in the wrong ward, along with all the admin and re-organisation costs going into it, because a few people are over-sensitive about who they sleep in the same room as, as a pretty sad thing to consider.

Obviously that people are self-centred is no surprise to any of us, but over tolerance of this is just as sickening. Bigger pictures are important, you're not the only person in the world, you're rarely the only person in the room. Of course, at this rate, soon you will be the only person in the room, all the time, every moment of every day, because your tolerance for the needs of others, for the needs of the many, have been whittled away by the indulgences of groups and institutions so scared of losing face, or court costs, that they'll let your germ-free, insular, arrogance dictate the way life happens around you until you finally die from rejecting your own personality.

Grown ups too.

Mid-Life Stasis

Life has changed since the end of 2008. It wasn't a deliberate, conscious change. There was no intervention, no epiphany, no dramatic decision that things just had to change. It just happened, though it was sudden, then gradual, but not slow. 

I couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve. This was the start. Well, I slept for 2 hours, then woke up and couldn't sleep again till the sun had come up. There was no reason for it, I wasn't excited about Santa, I didn't have an early appointment to meet, all I had to do was get up sometime before 3pm and drive 5 minutes down the road to be fed and watered, as is the tradition of the season.

But this persisted until New Years Eve, awake all night, asleep for the regular 8 hours, then awake all night again. I figured it might be because I was worried about something, or my mind was cluttered, so I figured I'd use the time eliminating all possible causes, I organised my life, completely. Every box, every CD, every piece of paper, every cable,  every computer file, everything. I discarded everything I didn't need and organised everything else, got up to date on my accounts, on my washing, on my planning. Everything. 

Then comes New Years Eve and the traditional obscene drinking that, despite being a semi-intelligent, almost self-aware, being, I didn't manage to opt out of this year. The resultant hang-over and paranoia, resulted in 24 hours in bed, missing entirely the first day of the year. Which, I'll be honest, wasn't a great start. But it did do something, sorted the sleeping patterns. Well, when I say 'sorted', it wasn't a return to the status quo of 4am bed, 2pm rise, it was actually a development to what is often considered 'normal sleeping patterns', up at 9/10, tired by 1/2, bloody crazy if you ask me.

And that wasn't the end of it.

No. Worse than that. I actually changed into one of those people. You know, those people who say "I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep". Those blithering idiots who clearly have a malfunctioning brain. After all, getting back to sleep in a morning is the easiest thing in the world. You wake up, you feel tired, you remember the all round horrors of being awake, you assume outside your window the weather is dismal, you recall the rather nice dream you were in the middle of, you roll over, and, zzzzZZZZ, in full on cartoon style. Well. Apparently. Not any bloody more. No. Eyes open, mind and body become alert. That's it. No choice, no option, no logical process resulting in a return to living in your glorious head. Nothing but... the start of the day. Ridiculous.

Now. Turns out, when you're getting up, awake and alert, in the AM after 7 hours sleep and you have a whole day at your disposal before the evening and the dark bring easy excuses for laziness and indulgence, there's a lot of hours to fill. Even more so, you're naturally 'on a roll' as it were. You may as well do some proper shopping for proper ingredients, you may as well look through some recipes and cook some real meals, with vegetables and everything. You may as well be a fully rounded human being who is choosing a natural vitamin enhanced life full of garden colours and omega bloody 3.

Well, you're doing that everyday, it's only right that you do some exercise too, maybe turn the TV off and catch up on your reading, bit o' fiction, bit o' fact, bit o' learnin'. If the TV is on, get yourselves some documentaries, check the news, figure out what a recession actual is and why it's happening. I even, and get this, had conversations with people. By golly. (Is that racist?). By something anyway.

Then, in a moment of pure nonsense, I applied for a job. I real one, with the council, in an office, with a salary, 9 to 5, responsibilities, shirt and tie. And I found, and still find, my self excited about the idea of doing it, if I'm lucky enough to be offered it.

I've been 17 years old for the last 13 years. Overnight I became 30.

Well, let's see what happens next.

I Never Said it was Clever

Ha! I made something, from raw materials and tools, and it turned out the way it was supposed to. Imagine that!

Ok, so what I made involved 2 wooden boards, a pair of hinges and a handful of nuts and bolts. If your average 13 year old handed it in as a CDT (or whatever the hell they call it these days) project they'd be lucky to get a passing mark. But that doesn't matter to me, because I made it, all by myself, and it works. Even more.. I went into a timber shop and came out with the materials I wanted, without at any moment stuttering or making myself look or feel like an idiot. This means I broke a barrier, I did something I was previously afraid to do. Like the first time you walk into a music shop and see those mocking eyes look at you, because you're an idiot and they are experts. Like the first time you ask a girl out, and she doesn't laugh in your face (one day).

I understand how pathetic all this is for a 30 year old man. But y'know, baby steps. 

I've been enjoying actually doing stuff quite a lot recently, getting my teeth stuck into my work, waking up each morning and making a list of things to do, then just doing them, no excuses. It's good. Makes you feel better. When you know you've done a good full days work you can relax better (no you can't), you can switch your brain off (from everything except what you've been working on), you feel energised (I'm fucked). It's good though, definitely good.

My Old Man's a Dustman

Like most of the world, I'm sat watching the results of the US Presidential Election coming in and waiting for them to announce the first black President in history. But as important and as significant as everything about this election might be, I can't help but thinking about the two guys running for the job, and why the hell they are doing it.

They've worked relentlessly for months, even years to get to this place, they've spent everything they have in terms of finances, energy, thoughts and emotions, and tomorrow morning, the winner... note the term 'winner', wakes up with all the responsibilities of the world on his shoulders... for at least 4 years!

I'll be honest, I get a bit sweaty palmed if I have to remember to buy milk on the way home (speaking of which, I forgot to buy milk on the way home), but this guy will be responsible for the lives of millions of people, thousands of which are in the middle of wars, and that's just one issue he'll have to deal with before dinner. Power, immortality, sense of achievement and the will to improve or affect the world are all well and good, but why would any human being put themselves under that kind of pressure? To take a job where you will make not only life & death decisions, both on a massive scale and a personal one, but you could feasibly make a mistake that would end the world, either in the long term, or very short term.

Not a chance mate, not a chance.

A Little Less Conversation

I used to enjoy tests at school, and I get a kick out of playing the fancy new electronic quiz machines they put in drinking holes these days. It occurred to me today that I treat conversations as if they were one of these things too. I comment quite often on how I'll rarely start or lead a conversation, and I haven't got the faintest idea how or why people think to talk about the things they do. It's a puzzle, it really is. But anyway, I forget my point. Wait. Gimme a second.

Yeah, conversations, as if they were a quiz, a game even. I enjoy reacting to what's said to me, listening to what is said and trying to respond in the way that will get the best reaction. Usually I'll be aiming for laughter, as it's a rare day that I'll find myself embroiled in a discussion about anything that actually means something. But sometimes it's just a smile you want, a smile that indicates you've solved a problem, or shown an alternative perspective, or made someone feel better about themselves. Sometimes you want a different reaction entirely, but that depends what particular game you're playing, and who you're playing it with.

The games have rules too, you can't just say what you think people want to hear, because you have to factor in honesty, and a bigger picture. Sometimes the games are short term and simple and all you want to do is get that laugh, at any expense. Sometimes they're more complex and can happen over a period, or several periods, of time and you might have to force some negative effects to get a bigger positive.

Sometimes the prize is different, it could be information, or objects, or actions. Or all of the above, but even then, you know you can score the bonus points by bringing in some more human results, more personal results, as fringe benefits to the exchange.

I don't think I'm gonna win any prizes for incision with this little blog. But I've enjoyed thinking about building blocks for a bit.

A Frightful Affair.

I'm bored of waffling on about being 30 now. That is so last week. And it turns out, nobody gives a shit. I say 'turns out', I can't really complain that fact has taken me by surprise can I, not when I've built a large portion of my personality based on the assumption that nobody gives a shit. But y'know, this was about me, you'd have thought people would have made an exception.

So what's happened? As usual, everything and nothing. My clock ticket forward a number and the one on the wall clicked back a number, so we all spent an extra hour in bed and thought about the beds we'd rather be in. Then had a shower, tidied the flat and ate a lot of crap till bedtime again. As it was written, so it shall pass.

The big news is, I got a new iPod. Aside from all the disgusting lavish connotations that the phrase 'new iPod' comes with, this is a brilliant piece of news. First, it was bought by my friends (i have friends, sod off), who had it inscribed, thus making it a significant historical artefact and warming my cockles. Secondly it is big enough to hold my entire music collection, or at least everything I have digitised, which is both mesmerising and liberating. Although it does provide me with a little too much choice, and we all know how I feel about choice and it's life complicating properties. But that's ok because.. thirdly.. it includes the iTunes Genius function (look it up you lazy shit) which means only have to make one choice a day.. choose one song and one only, and that does the rest for me. I cannot tell you how much this will enhance my life. Now all I need to do is find someone or something that will perform the roll of Life Genius for me, and contentment is but a stones throw away.

In other news, last night was incredible. Our Halloween party, which has evolved over the past 3 years into one of the most impressive things I've ever been involved in, and what makes it impressive is not its size or scale. It's the commitment that is put into it from all sides. A night where everybody involved makes the extra effort for the common good. Something happens to the atmosphere in a place where everybody has put themselves out to dress in theme, or act in theme, or just to join in. Sure Halloween is becoming as commercial as Christmas and more so every year, but if that's the price we have to pay for the feeling of community you get when everybody is united in the same goal for a short time. I reckon that's ok.

Fuck me I'm becoming a hippy, a capitalist hippy of course, but a dirty stinking hippy none-the-less. Who wants to come to Mothercare and push some toddlers over?

Of Course

I'm still foolish enough to stay up writing nonsense till 4am when I know I have a long, busy day tomorrow. So I guess I shouldn't be too worried about growing up quite yet.