River of Dreams

it seems that when waking life becomes a little pedestrian, dreams take up the slack, natural defence against depression i guess, which we all know is caused by boredom, and stupidity, but mostly boredom

anyway, at first my dear old brain decided the best way to keep me happy juices running was to simply release unrequested feelings of absolute terror at various points through out the night, not even really with connected dreams, just like a command, a little thought sat there on it's squidgy cloud singing 'you are going to feel more scared then you've ever felt in your life...... now.' and hey preston i have to wrench myself awake, ignore the things i see in the dark and sit up too scared to close my eyes.

all very exciting, but not particularly good for the self esteem of a 28 year old man

so last night it has a new solution. starts of innocently enough, sat around playing those riddle/puzzle type games where you're like 'you have a 20m length of hose, some water, a potato and several old christmas cards. what do you do?' y'know, THAT game, the one we play all the time.. yeah? ...no? i didn't either, but it seemed so familiar at the time

obviously this moved on from a theoretical game to one where a bunch of us actually found a long hose in a wooden tower by a lake and a bunch of other stuff and started acting out the crazy schemes and plans we'd drawn up. oddly the first thing one guy did was take the end of the hose and rub it in the mouth of another guy, confusion rained as the victim ran around looking a bit worried until eventually found someone with a toothbrush and paste and applied them to their standard use. turns out what this wag had done is 'dirtied his teeth', oh the hilarity

this all continues for a while and i take a few steps back just in time to see a police car and ambulance rushing towards minor incident around the other side of the lake, in order to get there they had to cross a thin strip of land between the edge of the lake and some trees which was just wide enough for the vehicles, the problem was it was a hill which angles at 45degrees across it's width down towards the lake. the police car crossed without trouble but the taller ambulance, with it's higher centre of gravity struggled, tipping slowly, slowly tipping until... sploosh. everyone cheers, highlight of the dream. it was ok though folks, it was an amphibious ambulance.

it goes without saying that as the sun went down all this devoped into a party in the wooden tower (which was on stilts over the water) it was very popular and The Who were playing live onstage, but the crowd got a bit rowdy and concern spread about the safety of the wooden flooring, so The Who were asked to leave and replaced by a fairly average girl fronted glam band that sat somewhere between Paramore and Hole and bizarrely had the lead singer from a Lancaster band i've known. From outside i could see the sun coming up and the students across the water complaining to the police about the noise and so decided it was time to pull the plug and headed towards the stage. Once there, before i could ask the band to wrap it up I had to follow a tramp around who had climbed onstage and begun trying to play the unusual number of spare instruments that had been left set up and unused around the stage.

plug bulled i bothered about trying to find the organisers to tidy up the mess when the phone rang, it was my brother, he was at home and a bag had just thrown itself across the room and he was a bit scared so i had to go home

it seems also then that when our life becomes a little pedestrian our brains melt a little inside

What a fecking buzz!

you're in a car, in traffic, stifled by the heat and still air, just hoping to get to your destination as soon as possible, then a few drops start to fall from the sky

10minutes later you can barely see out of any windows, driving is almost guesswork, the roof feels like it could give up the fight at any moment, the road looks like it's melting and a quick accelaration can throw a wave out across the pavement big enough to surf on (careful not to do it as people walk past though.. that would make you a 'wanker'), the streets are suddenly deserted, as if what fell from the sky was far more deadly than common or garden raindrops, the only people left out are those who were far enough from shelter when the bomb dropped to make taking any action became quickly pointless, couples in their summer clothes just making the best of it, topless boys on push bikes with that famous 'what are you looking at!?' expression frozen on their faces and that one girl with the umbrella and a massive smile that you have to give credit to for making like a boy scout this morning

we all spend fortunes and take risks on 15minute periods of increased excitement, but that one was for free

and now the thunder has broken up the air and we can all breathe again

now we know it's gonna be a good night

Once upon a time in china town

there are some meetings in this world, that while you weren't present, you know for a fact actually happened, like the one where the channel 4 exec sat the hollyoaks writers infront of a dvd of skins and said.. 'y'know, like that', or that one where the creator of the lush shops sat infront of a board of investers going 'it's soap.. but it looks like food... see... see... ' for about 4 hours before finally sitting down exhausted and going saying 'look, just phone your wives'

then there's the one where god (whichever one you choose, it doesn't matter) turned to mrs god (who was wearing a short summer dress and and had eyes that could melt diamonds) and said... 'y'know what'd be a laugh' and then created people

so i haven't blogged in a while, i was busy doing life stuff, but now i've gone done quit my job, free time is a little more abundant (i even tidied my flat the other day, living room AND bedroom.. crazyness) not as abundant as one might think, cos dreams don't chase themselves, but still, enough that there's a bit more time to think and pause and look out of the window and amazingly attractive girls talking on their phones in the courtyard, so hopefully i will teach myself to write again now.. hopefully

i still haven't eaten that coconut yet though.. i don't think i will be doing now

Wii fitness age... 33

so i bought this coconut right, i did it in a moment of impulse.. passion... wimsy.. i saw it, lying there at 1am in asda with all it's mates not doing much and my head shot back to more innocent times of coconut shys (shy? shigh? shuy-aye?) and novelty fruit & nuts and a grabbed it.. smiled to myself and wheeled along riding the back of my trolly full of salads and stuff

this was 7 days ago and i haven't yet found the right occasion to open it.. i feel something that is that much of a challenge to eat should be given some kind of ceremony, the opening of the nut should be, at very least, a blog worthy event (is blog worthy the 21st century version of.. 'something to write home about?' i think maybe it is

anyway, that is an aside.. a teaser if you will, for future reading... it's what tv quick would write in the preview of this installment of the soap opera of my life

speaking of soap, it doesn't go well with fresh pasta.

lifes taken a slightly unusual turn of late.. what i did was, i started eating 5 portions a day.. it's had 2 effects on me... it's increased my emotions a little... you know.. like how normal people feel, they feel happy and sad.. rather than just that constant humm of slight malcontentment that has been my soundtrack since i was.. well.. 12... i've found myself sat around feeling 'chirpy' at moments.. and 'upset' at others.. i quite like this apart from the fact that the fruit hasn't yet woken my brain up.. and when you feel 'chirpy' but without anything of worth running through your mind.. you feel.. to put it bluntly.. like a simpleton.. which is a most disconcerting feeling for a person who really has never had much going for them beyond their mind

the new diet has also increased my energy.. but not my motivation... which means i want to be doing something at all times... but i don't really want to 'try' at anything.. which of course leads to frustration and feelings of pointlessness.. 

on which note i've been giving serious thought to going back into education.. hell.. i live like a student anyway... not to get any more qualifications.. i've already 'earned' two sets of letters after my name, and in combination they contribute about as much to my life as a jam sandwich on moldy bread, i see no point in furthering this trend... but more to be given something new to think about... i reckon i want to be one of the self-important tits who sat around in pubs using words like 'subversion' and 'dichotomy' as if i've just invented punk.. maybe.. or maybe i just wanna do more maths... mmmm, maths

i think i've discovered my perfect career too.. i wanna be the guy who travels the country analysing traffic lights and re-programming them to be more efficient.. it's prefect, it's traveling, it's maths, it's working with computers.. and it will genuinely improve the lives of thousands of people.

if someone could get me an application form that would be swell

i didn't close the brackets up there.. how much did that piss you off?

One Cycle of the Moon

it's been a month since i last blogged, which first goes to highlight the ridiculousness of half of what i said in january, secondly echoes what i said in february about being too brain broken for conversation, but thirdy suggests that i might have actually done something worthwhile with the last month

ok, we can all stop laughing now. of course the majority of this month away as been spent sleeping, drinking, staring at various flashing lights, pretending to work, falling at a number of hurdles and all the usual things that would force anybody watching the film of my life (directed by john waters) to vent their building frustration by screaming at the screen such this as 'for christs sake you bloody waster!', 'oh dear lord how pathetic!' and of course the old classic 'how dare you!'

though some stuff has happened, that band thing has entered some kind of whirl or record labels, downloads, music television film crews and days in the heart of radio1, which brings a sense of accomplishment and with it a day (perhaps the only day) that i can describe, without reserve, as a 'good day'. and we don't get so many of them. of course all this just creates a new land of pressure, expectation and if we're not careful, panic, but for now it's good to pretend that isn't there and try in vein to be grateful for a new area of my life where i'm being given experiences i could never have reasonably expected to have

so.. and you won't hear me say this often... life is..well.. 'good'.... for now. it goes without saying that i'm not walking round smiling and being friendly and singing about sunshine and shit, and that i am infact still sleeping as long as possible each day and then spending most my energy trying to keep my inner chemical balance above the prozac line, as it was written, as it shall be and all that.. but when the obligatory 'bigger picture' is looked at we have to plot the graph of circumstance on the sunny side of conventional judgement

the only other thing worth talking about is that old 'social interaction' thing that screenwriters are always raping to earn a living. the art of sitting in roper hall passing judgement on a room full of strangers and not talking to anyone as been rediscovered and slightly refined, which is perhaps not the news to be most proud of, but it's a step away from the internet, which is nice. more positively the hobby of talking to people beyond the safety of pre-registered and approved perspective and opinion has reintroduced the daily questioning of the self and re-examination of the important choices that is frankly the most important part of being human in the 21st century... y'know.. the constant and unending critique of every part of your being leading to a spiral of self doubt, helplessness and frustration... it's what makes the world go round.

On a serious note, complacency is to death what cleanliness is to godliness.. so a big thanks to eveyone that's made me feel a little like crap this month.

those are enough words

keep smiling

x

To The End

so i was in the taxi for close to 5 hours and my final destination ended up being about 400yrds from when i was picked up

the taxi was for a gig in blackpool, however when we got there we couldn't find the venue ['winter gardens 2' anybody?], so i let the driver keep searching and fell asleep, a couple of hours later i wake up to the driver telling me we couldn't find it and it got a bit late so we're headed for standish instead.. 'standish' i declare ' you mad food! i can't go there, i have nowhere to sleep there.. my bed is in Preston!'

he sighs and turns off onto a dirt track towards some woods.. for a moment my mind reflects on the potential personal dangers the world has taught me such a move might bring my way, but i quickly reason that i've been asleep in alond in this cab for a couple of hours so if 'that' was gonna happen it would already have

as this drive continued there were points where i found myself strpped to the grill at the front of the taxi [which now resembled the A-Team van] as it took part in a cross country motercycle race.. there were also points where i followed behind on a hover board, taking part in the race myself before we finally approached preston from a road i'd never seen before but flanked by the most beautiful houses and streets i have ever seen whilst having an argument with the driver about his declaration that the only drop off point in preston being the Holdiay inn

dreams are fun

life is less so, of course, to the point where i'm feeling increasingly tempted to do a FilBlog where i actually write down my genuine thoughts and feelings, but as any of you who have ever become close to me only to find themselves pushed away without rhyme or reason can testify to, that is not my style so i'll simply make vague references to my continual day to day disappointments and general turgid existance.. and you'll bloody well like it.. alright?

i'm done with drinking culture.. there must be a better way than organising your mistakes and regrets [which after all is what memories are comprised of] around the bars in town, than paying increasingly attractive girls to give you toxins that make you an increasingly less respectable person, than spending daytimes lacking self-respect and night-times lacking self-restraint, than visiting the most talked about cities in the country, and the world, only to organise your experiences around the bars

not very rock and roll, and certainly at odds with the way i make my living.. 

you know you can learn to fly a helicopter for £250 and hour? that's a whole lot of cash, i reckon it'd be worth it if you could also fly and land aa helicopter in ordinary car parks so it was a practical method of transport... but it's just not... that's a shame really.... then again, seeing as it's taken me now 7 days, and counting, to get round to making a simple phonecall to arrange having my car fixed... i'm perhaps not the right person at this moment in time to be allowed to be in charge of something that can fall from the sky.. so it all works out fair in the end

i irony back in fashion? i can't keep up these days

Land of Milk and Honey

a day of laying around watching the various documentary channels is a good way to spend sunday.... plus i'm quite pleased to have watched a documentary on the crusades [human beings, it turns out, have always been absolute dicks.. but i guess we already knew that] on the same day i'll be watching a couple of episodes of 24.. nice book ends to the afternoon

also, the best thing in the world to do with an afternoon of dedicated nothingness is to look at moving pictures of marine life while david attenborough talks.. it's like aa desert of relaxation only punctuated by mild explosions in your brain as it cries 'that's pretty mental'

i haven't blogged in a while, largely because i've had nothing to say.. a theme, it seems for russell in 2007, always a fan of the 'if you've nothing worth saying keep your bastard mouth shut you boring twonk' philosophy i've always been more of a 'replier' than a 'stimulator' conversationally but i'be usually managed find either one topic of mutual interest with a person or at least a phrase colourful enough to raise a titter.. but this year it seems my mind brain is less concerned with aiding my social interaction and more involved in.. well.. bugger all really, bastard lazy grey matter i'm gonna poke it with sticks

but yeah, the lack of words to say is a problem, because there's only so much time you can spend with people not saying much before they run out of things to say to you too and from their it's a fast slippery slope to spending 4 days & nights sitting around in a blackened room eating curry in soiled pants, not sleeping and planning the slaughter of a group of people you've singled out for no oher reason than the fact they've smiled in your direction recently.. y'know.. for shits and giggles.. or because god is telling you to do it, and to do it while wearing bermuda shorts and a pair of comedy glasses & nose things

anyway

i haven't blogged.. but i have done shit... well 'a' shit if you pardon the expression.. i went to 'our nations capital'.. we played a gig.. influential people came to watch.. it was ok.. fun even.. adventures were had.. food was eaten - [oh the glorious food.. 'can i have a MEAT sandwhich please sir.. and incase that isn't enough MEAT.. can you sprinkle some MEAT in my beans too?".. and i managed to grab a few hours of time with my number 1 myspace friend [i'm so 21st century].. but that's my pleasure, not yours.. then it all went a little.. mmm... i think the locals tem is 'pete tong'

due to a combination of poor planning, lack of local transport and geographical knowledge and.. well.. intelligence... at Midnight on a Friday night in London i found myself alone, whilst my two companions were many miles away, un a part of london they didn't know, 12hours drunk, with no transport and trying to find their way to me. This left me with 2 hours with very little to do but wander around central london and soho... it started ok, i found a man to sell me a waffle... it wasn't a great waffle and a made a mess of eating it.. to the point a young woman walked past me.. pointed.. laughed and shouted 'chocolate face!'.. now whilst i did find the amusing it dealt quite a blow to me self esteem and my lust for a mirror and running water overcame me.. if this meant having to buy burger and chips in burger king.. well that would be a cross i had to bear [bare?]... then i witness a strange phenomenan that i have imaginatively titled 'the arrival of the tube workers' where by dozens of such men in high visibility jackets arrived and hung around under a giant statue of freddie mercury for up to 90minutes whilst they waited to be allowed into the tunnels under london city to do.. well..whatever it is large groups of men do a mile or so under the capital of england at night. i also witnessed what i believe is 'the most polite mugging in the world'...; 'there's no point mate, i lost my wallet', 'no it's ok, it's here somewhere' *rifles through pockets'.. bless those cheeky cockneys.

other than all that.. as capital cities go.. londons pretty dissapointing.. all very big and flash.. but pretty regimented and very expensive.. and not altogether the most beautiful of cities... of course i will give it more chances.. but for now.. i'm sticking north of hadrians wall for my big city fun times.

that's all i have to say about that.

oh yeah.. for valentines.. send me white roses not red... i have mixed feelings about the red.

x