Sunday, 22 October 2006
The diary of a hangover
so thursday night i managed to get drunk, and not just get wobbly, say something stupid, text an ex, have a headache in the morning drunk, but the more severe kind of gaps in the night, definatley did something to offend someone, hoping everyone i know is still speaking to me, my wallet was completely empty when i got home kind of drunk, oh and of course.. worst of all, i danced, enthusiastically.
not that i'm complaining about this, i mean, of course every moment was hideous, unbearable, empty suffering and woe.. as is life, but in relative terms, i had a good time as i believe, and so far.. nobody has hit me, so.
however everyone gets drunk, and there's nothing more tedious than reading about other peoples nights out on the internet, what is always a pleasure to hear about though, is of course, the suffering, the following days.. the hangover
now i'm one of these people who believes the best way to kill a hangover is to sleep through it, this deals with a lot of the physical sides to it, sleep till you physically can't sleep anymore, get up, poop, maybe do a bit of sick, clean your teeth and you start to feel almost alive again (if one of course, can ever feel truly alive when we are all so dead inside).. but the physical side of a hangover is the same as having flu.. and i think we'd all be happy never to have to hear anybody whinge about having flu ever again.. WE DON'T CARE! JUST PISS OFF SNOTTY.
the real fun part of the hangover is the misery, they say alcohol is a depressant and lord are they right, the only thing worse for the ego is being booted in the balls by a girl in front of everybody you know.. erm.. i would imagine.. *cough* so we have about 24hours of complete self-doubt, of course coupled with THE FEAR (what did i do? do they hate me now? is this gonna look bad on my cv? should i have given more money to charity? where the hell is my sock? how can i live with only one sock? oh my god their gonna have to amputate!)
this then passes into the introspective part of the hangover, you've rationalised everything 700 times and decided that, after all, you can't have done anything that bad or you'd have had a date with either pc plod or a baseball bat.. or at very least somebody will have put something on the internet on which devil horns and/or a tiny penis had been added to a photo of you and the words LOL used somewhere, but you're ego is a needy bastard and you're not satisfied with simply 'getting away with it' no.. you're little bastard of an ego has one question.. which it keeps repeating, in song, like an annoying child until you're stood holding a kitchen knife in one hand, a book on anatomy in the other hand screaming WHERE ARE YOU YOU BASTARD I'M GONNA GET YOU SO BAD!
ahem
that question us of course, 'am i a bad person?'
now we're all human so everybodies answer to that question is inevitable. 'of course i am, i'm not fit to walk the earth, they should wrap me up in a soggy rug and hide me in a freezer till the develop 'good person' serum' - of course as well, being human, we've by now lost all grip on any specific faults brought up by the said night out at the evening box social where there was jovial banter, friendly games of cards and perhaps a waltz - so our self doubts are shot from all over the place.. i don't eat well, i never exercise, my house is a mess, i have no purpose, my life is a waste, will i ever love again, why can't i find that damn sock
so here comes the productive part of he hangover, in a desperate attempt to fix EVERYTHING with the lease effort possible, a jolt of motivation will make you set about a full spring clean, at least 2 meals that aren't fried and 50 press ups... that'll do, the wasted non purpose life and need for love will save, and it's best not to think about the sock.
then of course this being 2006, we'll blog about it, so everybody can join in our meaningless lives and share in our woe.
(sorry to anyone i offended on thursday)
not that i'm complaining about this, i mean, of course every moment was hideous, unbearable, empty suffering and woe.. as is life, but in relative terms, i had a good time as i believe, and so far.. nobody has hit me, so.
however everyone gets drunk, and there's nothing more tedious than reading about other peoples nights out on the internet, what is always a pleasure to hear about though, is of course, the suffering, the following days.. the hangover
now i'm one of these people who believes the best way to kill a hangover is to sleep through it, this deals with a lot of the physical sides to it, sleep till you physically can't sleep anymore, get up, poop, maybe do a bit of sick, clean your teeth and you start to feel almost alive again (if one of course, can ever feel truly alive when we are all so dead inside).. but the physical side of a hangover is the same as having flu.. and i think we'd all be happy never to have to hear anybody whinge about having flu ever again.. WE DON'T CARE! JUST PISS OFF SNOTTY.
the real fun part of the hangover is the misery, they say alcohol is a depressant and lord are they right, the only thing worse for the ego is being booted in the balls by a girl in front of everybody you know.. erm.. i would imagine.. *cough* so we have about 24hours of complete self-doubt, of course coupled with THE FEAR (what did i do? do they hate me now? is this gonna look bad on my cv? should i have given more money to charity? where the hell is my sock? how can i live with only one sock? oh my god their gonna have to amputate!)
this then passes into the introspective part of the hangover, you've rationalised everything 700 times and decided that, after all, you can't have done anything that bad or you'd have had a date with either pc plod or a baseball bat.. or at very least somebody will have put something on the internet on which devil horns and/or a tiny penis had been added to a photo of you and the words LOL used somewhere, but you're ego is a needy bastard and you're not satisfied with simply 'getting away with it' no.. you're little bastard of an ego has one question.. which it keeps repeating, in song, like an annoying child until you're stood holding a kitchen knife in one hand, a book on anatomy in the other hand screaming WHERE ARE YOU YOU BASTARD I'M GONNA GET YOU SO BAD!
ahem
that question us of course, 'am i a bad person?'
now we're all human so everybodies answer to that question is inevitable. 'of course i am, i'm not fit to walk the earth, they should wrap me up in a soggy rug and hide me in a freezer till the develop 'good person' serum' - of course as well, being human, we've by now lost all grip on any specific faults brought up by the said night out at the evening box social where there was jovial banter, friendly games of cards and perhaps a waltz - so our self doubts are shot from all over the place.. i don't eat well, i never exercise, my house is a mess, i have no purpose, my life is a waste, will i ever love again, why can't i find that damn sock
so here comes the productive part of he hangover, in a desperate attempt to fix EVERYTHING with the lease effort possible, a jolt of motivation will make you set about a full spring clean, at least 2 meals that aren't fried and 50 press ups... that'll do, the wasted non purpose life and need for love will save, and it's best not to think about the sock.
then of course this being 2006, we'll blog about it, so everybody can join in our meaningless lives and share in our woe.
(sorry to anyone i offended on thursday)
Monday, 2 October 2006
Does liking Lily Allen make me gay?
there's been one of those 'girlfriend/boyfriend application forms' going round the bulletins today, y'know the ones that ask the most vacuous questions like height, weight, hair/eye colour, really?! i honestly couldn't tell you with any confidence the hair or eye colour of any girl i've ever been out with.. these things are clearly designed by some girl learning in typical 'just17' fashion how to be a better strumpet by adusting those details that a boy will never notice, blimey, they'll be asking about shoe type next.. why would you ever look at a girls feet? seriously, even if she's 25stone with a face like a mole there's gonna be something more interesting to look at than her feet (actually if she's 25stone chances are she can't see her feet either so shoes would be less of an issue..which is always a bonus).. when a girl walks into a room, you know what i see? shockingly.. a girl.. a collective lump of femininity.. not a miss potato head style ensemble of lips, ears and plucked eyebrows, you obsess over the details, i'll deal with the whole
what was i talking about.. how yeah.. girlfriend applications.. why do the never ask the good questions (incidentally after a quick search the best i found was this effort by brody vercher which at least made me giggle - oh and anyone who fills it in completely wins a lollypop for effort) but yeah, good questions like:
1) ok so you're mental, this is a given.. but how mental? will you make me want to kill us both on a weekly, daily, or hourly basis.
2) have you ever made a decision.. in your life? cos otherwise that's gonna send me fruity
3) have you already decided i'm cheating on you.. or will that come later?
4) does 4mins sound like a reasonable amount of time for sex to last?
5) do you understand why john waters is a genius?
you know.. the important stuff.
it's amazing what internet quizzes can teach us, i discovered the other day i was a buddhist, it wasn't such a huge shock, buddha after all is comedy fat.. and when alls said and done the nobel truths make sense.. 'life is suffering'.. well, of course. 'the cause of suffering is desire'
i'm bored of typing
what was i talking about.. how yeah.. girlfriend applications.. why do the never ask the good questions (incidentally after a quick search the best i found was this effort by brody vercher which at least made me giggle - oh and anyone who fills it in completely wins a lollypop for effort) but yeah, good questions like:
1) ok so you're mental, this is a given.. but how mental? will you make me want to kill us both on a weekly, daily, or hourly basis.
2) have you ever made a decision.. in your life? cos otherwise that's gonna send me fruity
3) have you already decided i'm cheating on you.. or will that come later?
4) does 4mins sound like a reasonable amount of time for sex to last?
5) do you understand why john waters is a genius?
you know.. the important stuff.
it's amazing what internet quizzes can teach us, i discovered the other day i was a buddhist, it wasn't such a huge shock, buddha after all is comedy fat.. and when alls said and done the nobel truths make sense.. 'life is suffering'.. well, of course. 'the cause of suffering is desire'
i'm bored of typing
Friday, 22 September 2006
I got out of the habit of doing these
so yeah.. magnets? just lumps of metal that attract other lumps of metal, made by hitting bits of metal with other bits of metal really hard while the first bit of metal is pointed in a certain direction, and they also point in certain directions.. it just doesn't make sense
and what's the connection between gravity and magnets.. i sit the same thing? i'm not metal but i stick to the ground (which isn't metal), and apples definatley aren't metal
none of it makes sense at all...
you can tell it's been a long week when you come to update your real-time autobiography for the first time in ages and all you can think to talk about is physics
truth is it's been a very functional week, a list of definate tasks which took no real creativity and just a lot of 'being there' followed by sleeping and repeating, the tasks were fulfilled, and at times even enjoyable, and of course one particular night was incredible in many many ways, but no time given to pause and reflect and think of stuff to say that's been said before in a hundred different ways but at least this time it's in your voice
fortunatley i've been saved by the return of the recurring nightmare, the one that happens 5 minutes after you fall asleep and gathers in intensity until you have to force yourself awake for sanities sake and then have too much adreneline pumping to sleep again for an hour which is great when you only had 5 hours to go at in the first place, but y'know, i like horror films
in 24hours from now i'll have 24hours of freedom, i've made plans to spend them doing a close approximation of what i would ideally do with freedom, i really should get a haircut and do some washing instead
that was fun
and what's the connection between gravity and magnets.. i sit the same thing? i'm not metal but i stick to the ground (which isn't metal), and apples definatley aren't metal
none of it makes sense at all...
you can tell it's been a long week when you come to update your real-time autobiography for the first time in ages and all you can think to talk about is physics
truth is it's been a very functional week, a list of definate tasks which took no real creativity and just a lot of 'being there' followed by sleeping and repeating, the tasks were fulfilled, and at times even enjoyable, and of course one particular night was incredible in many many ways, but no time given to pause and reflect and think of stuff to say that's been said before in a hundred different ways but at least this time it's in your voice
fortunatley i've been saved by the return of the recurring nightmare, the one that happens 5 minutes after you fall asleep and gathers in intensity until you have to force yourself awake for sanities sake and then have too much adreneline pumping to sleep again for an hour which is great when you only had 5 hours to go at in the first place, but y'know, i like horror films
in 24hours from now i'll have 24hours of freedom, i've made plans to spend them doing a close approximation of what i would ideally do with freedom, i really should get a haircut and do some washing instead
that was fun
Tuesday, 12 September 2006
Sometimes, just sometimes, the woe is away.
the last 6 days have knocked me for six a bit, 7 days ago i got a real kick in the balls, and i say that not in a judgemental way, from the right perspective everything anyone ever does is the right thing, but from my own point of view it was a definate wound to the nadgers
everyday since then so many people have been so fantastic, i kinda feel guilty for being a bit of a dick most of the time, and tonight.. well... tonight was something really special
so i owe heartfelt thankyou to a lot of people and i intend to dish them out, but just incase my emotionally retarded englishness prevents it being obvious, if you're reading this, i probably owe you thanks.. so thanks
on another note, i've been thinking about magnets alot this week.. magnets are mental aren't they?
x
everyday since then so many people have been so fantastic, i kinda feel guilty for being a bit of a dick most of the time, and tonight.. well... tonight was something really special
so i owe heartfelt thankyou to a lot of people and i intend to dish them out, but just incase my emotionally retarded englishness prevents it being obvious, if you're reading this, i probably owe you thanks.. so thanks
on another note, i've been thinking about magnets alot this week.. magnets are mental aren't they?
x
Saturday, 26 August 2006
It's good to talk
you know those days where the minute you open your eyes and begin to absorb the world you already know you've made a mistake, that mid-range squeeling feeling just above your stomach just seems to be chanting the words 'this, my friend, will not be your greatest day'
it did, in fairness, take a while for this day to confirm its inevitable colours, but it did it in style
i was scared by my own reflection in the wardrobe mirror, i jumped maybe 2 inches
now don't get me wrong, i don't mean scared in a 'oh my god i'm so hideously ugly i'm never leaving the house' (somebody was telling me they had days like that the other day, my semi-dead memory won't let me remember who but it will remind me that my thought in response was along the lines of 'don't be fucking ridiculous, have you ever seen yourself, you'd still look attractive after being beaten about the head by a wallaby for 3 hours, even on your worst days you are exactly 7.643 times more attractive than i am on my best' obviously me being me i didn't say that, i more likely said something like 'yeah.. i can see that' because.. y'know.. that's funnier.
what the hell was a saying, oh yeah, i didn't jump at the reflection due to my cockeyed eyes, bean shaped head and teeth that look like stone henge.. over the years i've developed ways of coping with that, obviously these ways largely feature pointing out the falts in others wrapped up in bitter jokes until they find themselves crying at home but still not being able to hate me because.. y'know.. it was funny.. but that's an aside.. the point is that i wasn't scared like that
no
i decided to check my hair or something in the wardrobe mirror.. so i began to move in front of the wardrobe (believing the door, on which the mirror is places, was closed) turns out the door/mirror/thing was more than slightly ajar and thus my reflection appeared earlier than expected, my brain screamed "who the fuck is that in my room.. eep!" and i jumped. similar to that time the corner of my eye saw a burglar backflip though a 1st floor window at band practice
it was pretty scary
THEN
as i left the flat (oh darling, it's an apartment), the flat, i scurried down the fire escape (it's quicker than the real door) and prompty bashed the crown of my head on the low ceiling which i swear did not exist yesterday. it still hurts.
THEN
to put this into context first, i've been sat at home all day, the weather outside has been beautiful and dry, i only had to go outside once today.. a 15minute walk, drop something off, 15minutes back.. easy as pie.. so, at the exact point at which i am the furthest away from home as i possibly can be, with just the walk back.. the heavens open, the downpour begins.. fantastic!
i had to buy a box of roses and a magazine featuring imogen in her underwear to cheer me up.. it goes without saying that it turns out that imogen, like 90% of girls, looks better with clothes on... another dream destroyed
so now i refuse to move from this sofa without a helmet and full length waterproof jacket till another dawn has passed
people traditionally define life as a series of first.. first kiss, first sex, first love, first paycheck, first heart attack.. that kind of stuff, but really these moments mean very little in the great scheme of things.. there are other moments.. real epiphany moments that define who we are and the path we take for the rest of our lives
you following? mm, maybe a couple of examples
i'm in an adventure playground, with roundabouts, and rope slides, and monkey bars and i dunno, all kids of junk that kids love (and we still would now if they let us on) and i'm climbing the ladder to the rope slide... the minute my hands touch the handlebar things i start thinking about how cool it would be to be on the monkey bars and how i can't wait to do that next BANG.. life isn't about enjoying moments, it's about ignoring moments while you think about whats next... what a shitter.
another one.. mm.. that moment when you first realise that the way you think you look and sound, that image in your head that is more likely based on some tv or film character than any kind of evidence from reality, is not what other people see or hear when they look at you.. that's a bit of a kick in the fruity bits
and the other obvious one.. the moment you realise your parents, just like everyone else, have faults.. and on occasions, are dicks. y'know, the same way everyone is a dick sometimes (most times), the people you trusted as shining examples of perfect human beings are fundamentally flawed, which of course means that you are too
there will be more, and they will come to me and keep me awake at night
ah yes.. like the moment natalie something or other in ibiza sent everyone away but asked me to stick around in a little alcove and i got shy and ranaway.. it was months later it dawned on me that that was supposed to be my first kiss.. and she was really hot too. arse biscuits
no, that's probably just a regret.. who knows
woah! weird science is on!!
p.s. do you think the girl from granthams will marry me if i ask real nice and don't fart when i'm in the shop anymore?
it did, in fairness, take a while for this day to confirm its inevitable colours, but it did it in style
i was scared by my own reflection in the wardrobe mirror, i jumped maybe 2 inches
now don't get me wrong, i don't mean scared in a 'oh my god i'm so hideously ugly i'm never leaving the house' (somebody was telling me they had days like that the other day, my semi-dead memory won't let me remember who but it will remind me that my thought in response was along the lines of 'don't be fucking ridiculous, have you ever seen yourself, you'd still look attractive after being beaten about the head by a wallaby for 3 hours, even on your worst days you are exactly 7.643 times more attractive than i am on my best' obviously me being me i didn't say that, i more likely said something like 'yeah.. i can see that' because.. y'know.. that's funnier.
what the hell was a saying, oh yeah, i didn't jump at the reflection due to my cockeyed eyes, bean shaped head and teeth that look like stone henge.. over the years i've developed ways of coping with that, obviously these ways largely feature pointing out the falts in others wrapped up in bitter jokes until they find themselves crying at home but still not being able to hate me because.. y'know.. it was funny.. but that's an aside.. the point is that i wasn't scared like that
no
i decided to check my hair or something in the wardrobe mirror.. so i began to move in front of the wardrobe (believing the door, on which the mirror is places, was closed) turns out the door/mirror/thing was more than slightly ajar and thus my reflection appeared earlier than expected, my brain screamed "who the fuck is that in my room.. eep!" and i jumped. similar to that time the corner of my eye saw a burglar backflip though a 1st floor window at band practice
it was pretty scary
THEN
as i left the flat (oh darling, it's an apartment), the flat, i scurried down the fire escape (it's quicker than the real door) and prompty bashed the crown of my head on the low ceiling which i swear did not exist yesterday. it still hurts.
THEN
to put this into context first, i've been sat at home all day, the weather outside has been beautiful and dry, i only had to go outside once today.. a 15minute walk, drop something off, 15minutes back.. easy as pie.. so, at the exact point at which i am the furthest away from home as i possibly can be, with just the walk back.. the heavens open, the downpour begins.. fantastic!
i had to buy a box of roses and a magazine featuring imogen in her underwear to cheer me up.. it goes without saying that it turns out that imogen, like 90% of girls, looks better with clothes on... another dream destroyed
so now i refuse to move from this sofa without a helmet and full length waterproof jacket till another dawn has passed
people traditionally define life as a series of first.. first kiss, first sex, first love, first paycheck, first heart attack.. that kind of stuff, but really these moments mean very little in the great scheme of things.. there are other moments.. real epiphany moments that define who we are and the path we take for the rest of our lives
you following? mm, maybe a couple of examples
i'm in an adventure playground, with roundabouts, and rope slides, and monkey bars and i dunno, all kids of junk that kids love (and we still would now if they let us on) and i'm climbing the ladder to the rope slide... the minute my hands touch the handlebar things i start thinking about how cool it would be to be on the monkey bars and how i can't wait to do that next BANG.. life isn't about enjoying moments, it's about ignoring moments while you think about whats next... what a shitter.
another one.. mm.. that moment when you first realise that the way you think you look and sound, that image in your head that is more likely based on some tv or film character than any kind of evidence from reality, is not what other people see or hear when they look at you.. that's a bit of a kick in the fruity bits
and the other obvious one.. the moment you realise your parents, just like everyone else, have faults.. and on occasions, are dicks. y'know, the same way everyone is a dick sometimes (most times), the people you trusted as shining examples of perfect human beings are fundamentally flawed, which of course means that you are too
there will be more, and they will come to me and keep me awake at night
ah yes.. like the moment natalie something or other in ibiza sent everyone away but asked me to stick around in a little alcove and i got shy and ranaway.. it was months later it dawned on me that that was supposed to be my first kiss.. and she was really hot too. arse biscuits
no, that's probably just a regret.. who knows
woah! weird science is on!!
p.s. do you think the girl from granthams will marry me if i ask real nice and don't fart when i'm in the shop anymore?
Wednesday, 23 August 2006
If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor
"Terminate torment Of love unsatisfied The greater torment Of love satisfied" that nice mr elliot
we're all spoiled, the more we get the more we want, the grass is always greener and the first fix is free, familiarity breeds contempt and routine leads to boredom
we're left with 2 choices as far as i can see it..
quickly carve yourself a happy little rut framed by the received tokens of success, the career, the lover, the appearance of popularity... then spend the rest of your days driving yourself completely insane with the fear that these things will be taken away from you, trying too hard to control what you can't control and inevitably driving wedges in the cracks (that would have appeared and grown all by themselves anyway, so don't add guilt to your problems) and either watching it all shatter before you once you're too old to start again or wear yourself into a shell and spend 30 years going through the motions
or spend every day running away anything that even indicates a rut forming, only half appreciating everything you have because your eyes are set on the horizon wondering what else is out there, pushing away anything or anyone that is close enough to restrict your options and opportunities, wasting every second looking for a perfection that doesn't exist only realising you have nothing when it's too late to start finding something and the options have all but disappeared
obviously we're all smart people, we all realise the eventual fruitlessness of both options, we don't just blunder into it, it's a conscious choice.. whaat choice have you made? and why? you weighed up the pros and cons and came out with a path.. what tipped the balance?
of course this is the 21st century so we don't have to think about these things.. we have 24hour tv, food that can be delivered to our doorstep and access to limitless free porn
choose life, choose sitting around in your pants getting fat and having a good ol' scratch
i love each and everyone one of your failings
we're all spoiled, the more we get the more we want, the grass is always greener and the first fix is free, familiarity breeds contempt and routine leads to boredom
we're left with 2 choices as far as i can see it..
quickly carve yourself a happy little rut framed by the received tokens of success, the career, the lover, the appearance of popularity... then spend the rest of your days driving yourself completely insane with the fear that these things will be taken away from you, trying too hard to control what you can't control and inevitably driving wedges in the cracks (that would have appeared and grown all by themselves anyway, so don't add guilt to your problems) and either watching it all shatter before you once you're too old to start again or wear yourself into a shell and spend 30 years going through the motions
or spend every day running away anything that even indicates a rut forming, only half appreciating everything you have because your eyes are set on the horizon wondering what else is out there, pushing away anything or anyone that is close enough to restrict your options and opportunities, wasting every second looking for a perfection that doesn't exist only realising you have nothing when it's too late to start finding something and the options have all but disappeared
obviously we're all smart people, we all realise the eventual fruitlessness of both options, we don't just blunder into it, it's a conscious choice.. whaat choice have you made? and why? you weighed up the pros and cons and came out with a path.. what tipped the balance?
of course this is the 21st century so we don't have to think about these things.. we have 24hour tv, food that can be delivered to our doorstep and access to limitless free porn
choose life, choose sitting around in your pants getting fat and having a good ol' scratch
i love each and everyone one of your failings
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