Bump

So I do what I planned and I go to the random word generator and challenge myself to write something not entirely sleep inducing about whatever word it spits out. Maybe i’ll have to write about some form of food, or an activity that i’ve done in the past, maybe i’ll really luck out and get a big topic that i’ve spent a lot of time thinking about, like love, or hope, or even bridges.

’Bump.

There it is, the minute the page loads up, ‘Bump’.

Right. Well..erm.. yeah.

Now for some reason all that settles into mind is Mr Bump, a childhood favourite for me as I recall, after Mr Tickle of course, who could get his own breakfast in bed. Maybe it was in the tale of this little blue bandaged sphere that I found the kindling for my great love of schadenfruede. Who can’t be entertained by what is essentially a fat, smurf that walks into things and falls down holes. It’s the learning to read equivalent of watching a toddler drop his ice cream on the floor. Then of course the whole thing goes all Taoist on our backsides when the clumsy critter takes decides to work with, rather than struggle against, his disability, and of course now we’re in the 21st century we can recognise his tendency towards accidental injury as a disability, when back in the 20th century he would simply have been thought of as somewhere between unlucky and foolish. In fact if we think about it nowadays he would be viewed, depending on which newspaper you read, either as somebody with an unfortunate condition that should be understood, treated, and used as an excuse for not doing so well in his GCSEs or as a con man of the highest order with Legal Vultures 4 U on speed dial.

Wait, I did a tangent. Yeah our beach ball shaped chum goes and gets himself a job walking into trees in an orchard and causing the apples to fall down. Now you can call me a monster of you like and set the Society for the Patronisation of Clumsy People on me, but I can’t for the life of me think of a better job than as Security Camera Operator at that orchard. Watching Bumpy go about his daily business, tottering into a tree, falling back on his bum rubbing his forehead as the apple smacks him on the bonce.

I’d never be late for work.

In a week, the world can change

every have one of those days where no matter how hard you dig, you just can't find the enthusiasm for, well.. anything? you know it's the massive perpetual 'to do' list that's causing your head to feel like it's been filled with meringue [and i aways imagine it being squirted from a can through you ear like shaving foam and then solidifying when as it oxydises [i'm sure builders use a similiar product for filling gaps.. insulation like?], anyway.. yeah.. you know it's the list of tasks to complete that's causing the temporary dip from general day to day woe to something more pungent, and you know the best way to fix it is to stop being such a wallowing twat and start ticking off those responsibilities till you're free as lottery winner and thinking straight again.... but really, that all seems like way too much effort, so you take the first opportunity to sit yourself infront of a tv with sugary and salty snacks and a cuppa and close off access to 88% of you're faculties for a while, you feel better but you've really just put it off till the next day

well do you?

there's something else though... jobs, tasks, projects, orderes.. they're all help pass the ticking moments before the fates finally release us onto the steady path to being completely and utterly forgotten.. but sometimes, just sometimes, it's nice to have one that's completion and reletive success isn't judged by a number

i think i've got one, but it's gonna take some incredible self restraint, and i might become a little dull, and i think people will become incredibly suspicious, but, just as an experiment.. i'm going to try this 'being nice to people' thing that everyone raves about.... i tried it once before, for an evening... this time i'm going for the week

it's a long time since i said anything nice... wish me luck

sometimesitsbetternottostickbitsofeachotherineachotherforeachother

i was awoken a couple of mornings ago by somebody whisper-shouting [you know exactly what i mean, don't play stupid] my name

which considering i was completely alone in a flat surrounded by over a foot of concrete on all sides and double glazed windows..

..quite freaked me out

of course, i went back to sleep for about 4 hours.. why live in the world when you can live in your head etc.. but still, a bit freaky

i've just finished watching the 1st series of lost, but i'm not gonna talk about the programme, because there's little more boring that other peoples tv activities, apart from other peoples emotions of course... but yeah anyway, it got me thinking about the tv series as an artform, or not even that, just as a task... from my limited understanding of any worthwhile art/media/entertainment.. one of the few foundation factors which make it 'good' are that every part of the piece has been thought through and specifically chosen.. nothing is happenstance.. for instance in a painting not only has the subject and it's intended meanings been thought of, but each colour and shade has been picked consciously, the style, type of paint, brush strokes.. etc etc.. it's all deliberate. same with a song, not just the music itself, but the sounds of the individual instruments, the style of performance, the words, blah blah blah... the creator of the piece , or creators, have managed developed a complete article of which every part was deliberate and under their control

now without undermining the talents involved in artforms like painting, music, photography, sculpture etc etc... controlling the whole of any of these can't be anywhere as difficult as controlling moving pictures with sound... film/tv.. where each frame needs to be as thought out as if it was a single photograph, and on top of that music must be added, continuity needs taking care of as well as the massive human resource tasks of dealing with actors and crew... then add time, technical and financial constraints and i still struggle to believe it's possible to make a feature film which isn't flooded with basic flaws

now turn that into a tv series like lost, or alias, or 24, which develops over not a few hours but dozens, created and filmed over years, when the every moment of the story had to be completely developed in advance

it's just mental

that's all i was thinking really

i've had my tea and i'm still hungry.. stupid healthy eating [no. i'm not on a diet, as i'm neither a girl nor an idiot, i just thought it was time i ate something green]

i fear i'm wasting the autumn by being indoors too often

x

Your face or mine?

why must we be forced to suffer these embarrassing school boys who in real life couldn..t get a laugh in a room full of cider filled 14 year olds? I..m watching never mind the buzzcocks, now this has never been a piece of priceless programming but at least under mark lemar it wasn..t uncomfortable to watch.. who..s this new kid? You can see the embarrassment on the face of the captains and contestants as he spouts is pre-teen cringeworthy bottom vomit. He..s almost as bad as that topman indie boy prick that channel 4 seem to think was worth a job on big brother and worse, presenting some big deal show [probably awards]

I use these brackeds [] by the way, not because I don..t understand life but because my NINE key is broken, if I want to print the numeral between 8 and 10 I have to find it written down and copy and paste.. it..s a ball ache

But yeah, these twelth rate ..comedic presenters.. who gave them jobs in the first place, worst still, who keeps giving them jobs.. I mean for heavens sake.. jimmy carr exists.. . ah jimmy.. how I wish they..d bring back ..your face or mine.., even more so how I wish they..d franchise it to the student unions so I can go see a bunch of hormone driven mentally undeveloped couples ripped apart live every week [actually.. that righting you just read.. that..s me copywriting that idea.. I..ll be ringing the union tomorrow! Oh jesus, I think I..ve found my destiny. There really has never been a more glorious invention.. dear boy, here is your current girfriend.. here is your ex.. for £300 who do you think the audience has voted as prettiest.. and for another £300, your girlfriend, or her best friend? I nearly cried with glee every single show.. absolutely mindblowing genius! I..ve got goosebumps a little just thinking about it.. or is it because I left the windows open? I guess we..ll never know, one of life..s great mysteries

The police helicopter is outside again, I..m beginning to think they just like to look at me in my shorts. Cos really, if you stole a car you wouldn..t want to be driving it round here.. the programming of the traffic lights is awful.. you..d be caught in no time.. though it would be a comedy chase, with chaser and chasee getting stopped at separate lights, driving round in circles always in sight but never quite able to be together.. like those old comedy sketches with a bunch of doors that people keep popping in and out of.. you know the ones

Oh lord beyonce..s reading of the idiot boards is awful, and she don..t even got boobs, awards shows have really gone downhill since I were a kid

Todays been a strange day, another cold crisp winters day, when all I really wanted to do was walk around, either with headphones on or with someone fun, enjoying being outside, people watching, taking in the scenary, getting slightly covered in that really light rain. But I haven..t, and I can..t really put my finger on why, I had the freedom to do it.. tis the price of laziness I guess

Oh.. I found out you can go skiing, on mountains.. in SCOTLAND! 2 hours from Edinburgh.. if I wasn..t so woe I..d express joy at this, now there is a real holiday I want to go on.. 3 days skiing, 3 days in the edinburgh winter.. maybe through a couple of star27 gigs onto the end of it.. early 2007 is gonna see at least one week in paradise

We..re booked into London at the end of January too.. so there..s a weekend really exploring the capital on the cards, maybe even spending an evening with a best friend.. that time off I..ve been promising myself looks set to be gaining a purpose

It..s good to have things to look forward to, tomorrow is pretty scary when tomorrow looks set to be the same for as far ahead as you can see, I..ve been thinking a lot recently about the addiction of possibility.. how I, and many people I know, spend every night either out in pubs/clubs or logged on.. why.. because both those things give the possibility that within 5minutes almost anything can happen.. it won..t of course, we all know that life is just step after step of predictability and repetition which will slowly but surely destroy us all from the inside out.. but y..know, possibility.. it has quite a lure.

Myspace isn..t gonna let me post this now.. I sent a message earlier and it kept coming back with error messages, so I tried again and again.. turns out every single attempt was actually successful.. so some lucky person has the same message from me about 12 times

Ah well, was fun while it lasted

In the Wintertime

people go nuts for the summer, with the heat and the brightness and the lack of clothing.. but as we all know to be true, people, in the main, are idiots

but really days like this that are the real treats, crisp, dry, and just cold enough to remind you that you're warm blooded, days when it starts to get dark around 4pm (everything is better in the dark), days that make you just want to walk around all day and all night, in town, in the country, in parks in town, near water, up stairs, sitting on walls, days that make little things seem that much better, or easier to take, things like traffic and walking with the music turned a little lower on your headphones so you can hear the noise of the traffic over it, physical contact with another human being, a warm drink outside, lights - in general, coming in and turning the lights on, the pogues.. hell, even keane, moving between pubs to feel the contrast of warmth and cold, watching a sport or an outdoor play with a pie

even the fact that the electrician LIED to you when he said he'd fixed the heaters, so you'll find yourself sat here freezing later on... but that's ok cos under the stairs there's an old electric fan heater you bought for the old flat

of course... i'm neither a girl, or JD from scrubs.. so all that up there, i'd never write, you must of imagined it, wishful thinking? being that i'm more of a dr cox what i actually wrote was something about what absolute bastards everyone is and how there is no such thing as an non-selfish human act (there isn't).. so i don't know what you've read.. but it wasn't this.. 

man you're an idiot!

woe x

Happy shopper

i'm gonna open a shop.. it'll be called.. clothes for men

it'll have huge signs over each section - jeans, trousers, shirts, t-shirts, jumpers, undies - in each section will first be a set of rows of bog standard stuff... plan coloured jumpers, normal blue jeans, black boxers.. you know.. the stuff boys actually want to buy... then there'll be other rows with the less plain stuff.. y'know for gays and girlfriends to buy from

it'll be fucking paradise

none of this primark.. you have to walk right up to the table to find out these jumpers have bits of t-shirt stitched in them (if i want to look like i have a t-shirt under my jumper.. i'll wear a t-shirt under my jumper), or that the genes have marks on them like some retard work experience kid spilt bleach on them (i'm quite enough of a retard to do it myself thankyou).. it makes me sad

so very very sad

Well I can't really dance but baby won't you dance with me

i don't think there's any real point to this blog (is there ever) but if i don't get it out of my head i'll never sleep

we all have recurring dreams, well i do anyway.. well ok i have two, but one i've probably talked about before because it's everynight, about 10mins after i go to sleep.. the one where i'm incapacitated in a way i can only describe as 'drunk but no drunk' my head is totally clear and i'm usually very aware of what is going on around me, which is almost always threatening, or at least requiring urgent action, but i have little or no control over my body, including all limbs, head and, usually, voice. so i wrench myself awake and then have trouble getting back to sleep for a bit

but that's not the one on my mind.. this one always involves a house, or more accurately, upstairs in a house.. sometimes it's up a grand set of stairs, sometimes it's through a loft... i think this comes from when as a kid my gran lived on the ground floor of a 3 story flat, when the lady upstairs died we got access to the previously forbidden world of the higher too floors.. which were much bigger than i'd ever imagined

the bigger things important, because in the dream this upstairs section is always unfeasibly large... one time it was an abandoned nightclub/rollerskating rink which had another floor that was a luxury open air flat, another time it was floor upon floor of a huge dark, cobwebbed, of which one floor was of course haunted, or home to some kind of hellish creature, making it all the more enticing.. but it was filled.. cluttered.. with stuff, facinating stuff, old furniture, utensils and implements, a real treasure trove.. apart from the fact that most things were too big to remove (this particular building was accessed as you would a loft through a hole in the ceiling.

common features everytime are that i'm always rediscovering the building, that is in any one dream i will always glaze over my personal introduction to to it and then dream in more detail about how i am showing it to somebody else, though that person never actually enters the building so while i feel i am showing them it, i am infact just wandering round on my own

another common feature is that these buildings are always either made of wood.. or cut roughly from stone, cave like but with the features of a buidling made from modern materials... and example once being sun loungers cut from a single rock

well there we go, that's out of my head and i feel much better... tomorrow is sunday, a whole 24hours off work... here's to hoping it brings something new and interesting

Friday afternoon

so, i forced myself out of bed at crazy-o-clock (read.. 12) in order to make the most of the day off before this evenings work. the flat is tidy, or at least the room in in is, which is all that really counts, does anyone care about what they can't see.. well nuerotics i guess, and blind people, and maybe people in the dark... speaking of the dark, i hard proper horror film nightmares last night.. the kind when you start screaming in your unconciousness and wrench yourself awake (i feeling similar, i would imagine, to pulling your head out of a tar pit while drunk), and when you've finally lifted up your 20stone highlids and focused on the empty room you quickly realise you're a 28year old man and pray to heaven that the screamin gwasn't so outload that either your brother downstairs or your neighbours could hear.. after a few minutes nobodies come running so you were either silent or nobody gives a shit about your well being so you try and get back to sleep with a new found loneliness in your heart

where was i? right yeah, the rooms tidy and the washing machine is pissing me off so that must be working, i've finished the flyer i spent all yesterday at work staring blankly at without inspiration.. it's not gonna change the world, but it's good enough

most importantly i've had me self confidence totally and utterly destroyed by arcade games, it's been years since i was a computer games geek and i'd forgotten the crushing dissapointment and violent mood swings that can be cause when some fucking set of computer generated pixels makes you repeatedly look like a chump

those little hexagons, they think they're so smart with the duplicating and leaping, i can see them laughing at me as my bits of red dissapear, all sat around in their little cyber room snorting 'that russ again, what a spastic, i'm gonna make him think he's winning, give him a tiny little thrill, then i'm gonna smack him round the head with my mighty powers, reckon we can make him cry guys? i reckon so.. here.. take that you tall human twit!

and the ghosts, ganging up on my little pacman, they don't play fair.. 4 of them, only one pac man.. bullies, that's what they are, you think i could sue them for emotional damage. who invented pac man? i reckon i have a case.. no win no fee blame society that destroys all sense of responsiblity, forgiveness and community spirit? give me a ticket!

you try so hard not to be woe, to be the shining beckon of optimism against seemingly insurmountable opposition.. and this stuff keeps kicking you

it's a cruel world