Friday afternoon

so, i forced myself out of bed at crazy-o-clock (read.. 12) in order to make the most of the day off before this evenings work. the flat is tidy, or at least the room in in is, which is all that really counts, does anyone care about what they can't see.. well nuerotics i guess, and blind people, and maybe people in the dark... speaking of the dark, i hard proper horror film nightmares last night.. the kind when you start screaming in your unconciousness and wrench yourself awake (i feeling similar, i would imagine, to pulling your head out of a tar pit while drunk), and when you've finally lifted up your 20stone highlids and focused on the empty room you quickly realise you're a 28year old man and pray to heaven that the screamin gwasn't so outload that either your brother downstairs or your neighbours could hear.. after a few minutes nobodies come running so you were either silent or nobody gives a shit about your well being so you try and get back to sleep with a new found loneliness in your heart

where was i? right yeah, the rooms tidy and the washing machine is pissing me off so that must be working, i've finished the flyer i spent all yesterday at work staring blankly at without inspiration.. it's not gonna change the world, but it's good enough

most importantly i've had me self confidence totally and utterly destroyed by arcade games, it's been years since i was a computer games geek and i'd forgotten the crushing dissapointment and violent mood swings that can be cause when some fucking set of computer generated pixels makes you repeatedly look like a chump

those little hexagons, they think they're so smart with the duplicating and leaping, i can see them laughing at me as my bits of red dissapear, all sat around in their little cyber room snorting 'that russ again, what a spastic, i'm gonna make him think he's winning, give him a tiny little thrill, then i'm gonna smack him round the head with my mighty powers, reckon we can make him cry guys? i reckon so.. here.. take that you tall human twit!

and the ghosts, ganging up on my little pacman, they don't play fair.. 4 of them, only one pac man.. bullies, that's what they are, you think i could sue them for emotional damage. who invented pac man? i reckon i have a case.. no win no fee blame society that destroys all sense of responsiblity, forgiveness and community spirit? give me a ticket!

you try so hard not to be woe, to be the shining beckon of optimism against seemingly insurmountable opposition.. and this stuff keeps kicking you

it's a cruel world