Swings and Roundabouts

Here's a roundabout for you:

let's start with the most important feature of these blogs.. the sleep index.. last night i was crushed by the most devastating of all curses upon the human mind... thought.. i had a train of thought that wouldn't let go, wouldn't let me sink into the pure emptyness that i look forward to each day from the minute i am wrenched back into the world

devastating it was, still - sleep eventually came and all was well for a while

today has been... average, so deeply average, so average it is pointless to blog about it, an entire non-event of a day, still.. it's been ok

and band practice was good, which always helps

righto.. i'm off to stare at a wall for a bit.

Let's go fishing my lad.

i didn't do a blog yesterday, because it turns out i have a life [read, slept till 3, ate, went out, drank - NEVER BLOG AFTER DRINKING, THE GUSHING HONESTY WILL DESTROY US ALL - and now it's sunday] - i hope nobody cried too much, i understand what it's like to have one of the few constants in life ripped out from under you [5 days is a constant, hell i've had shorter relationships]

i was about to say i honestly can't complain about any aspect of the last 48 hours.. but then i woke up, remembered who i am and what life is and laughed at myself for forgetting that even the happiest of memories will always we be tainted in someway.. and this of course is true of the vaguely pleasant memories also

so let's start with said tainting.. 4am, bed, headed for the bliss of dreamtown, and the music starts, loud, bad music, and suddenly the realisation that i do live in a block of flats has never been more real.. but it's ok i think.. it's friday night, i'm a tolerant kind of guy.. i'll use it as an excuse to do some reading.. 5am i'm getting a bit cheesed off, but i'm english, and i can hear the other people in the flats shouting towards the noise.. so actually getting out of bed is still unlikely. 6am the moment of truth has come, i re-pant and depart to the source of the noise.. i will be manly, i will be firm.. i will make this problem go away.. turns out the source of this noise is about 7ft tall and weighing in at well over 20stone, with a fresh scar on his forehead... in a moment of absolute pride howver i manage to contain my hair-trigger bowels and make the reasonable request for less volume.. the nice megaman explains he's sorry, he thought his flat was sound-proofed and he was having a party because "i was in town today and i was stabbed, so i had to put the guy in hospital, my friends have come to cheer me up... oh, by the way.. what number do you live at?"

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

beyond that it's been a better than average weekend, an unexpected turn on friday that led me to having actual face to face conversations for.. get this.. hours.. [so proud].. i've been told i even smiled at one point, but i have no evidence to prove this and neither do you.. so i will deny it to my grave.. smiling, of course, being a sign of weakness and Rubbish Brain Syndrome. the saturday placed me with 'friends' in another city, in new bars, having conversations i have not previously had, at least in a while... entertainment.. novelty be thy name.. even better.. i managed to stop drinking at the right time, not do, say or send anything that made me a prick.. and wake up hangover free.. it's like a whole new world...

righto, the only place to go now in this blog is an honest and emotional exploration of who i am as a person at this time in my life, what my desires are and where do i go from here

so i'll stop writing.

have a great sunday.

x

I can't wait

remember when we used to dance to songs we didn't know just cos we liked the beat? instead of just the ones we know the words to.. without that there'd be no love formed of beastie boys, no nofx, no brassy, no mad caddies, no cherry poppin' daddies and no reel big fish, amogst so many others... of course i'd never have repeatedly dislocated my knee on the dancefloor causing much pain and social embarrasment.. but y'know, rough with the smooth and all that

it's been a day of 're's so far, revalations, reminiscences and rediscoveries, which i guess isn't bad for a friday, and it meant finding some great music i'd let slip to the back of my mind... i'm considering spending the evening taking a real trip down memory lane with a cd/record/cassette/dvd alphabetising session.. though that is not perhaps the most acceptable way for a young man to spend his friday night... though it will mean i'm chomping at the bit for fun on the proper night out tomorrow.. who knows.. it's a world of freedom, anything could happen between now and bedtime.. though the odds on my finding myself in timbuctoo are probably quite long.. it's the 21st century, and if i've learnt anything from my adolecent x-files obsession it's that we can't rule such things out

i wish i was a spy.. apart from the hours of course

x

You crazy kids.

so where are we now.. the optimist in me thinks i've beaten sleep by denying it's hold on me for long enough that i've spent most of this days waking hours in a semi-zombiefied state... but the realist in me understands that i'm likely to go out and indulge in a few bears this evening and with no reason to get up tomorrow i will most likely not see sunlight.. again.. returning to that oh so familiar place we all know and love by the name of 'square one', but hey, i never liked snaked and ladders much anyway

as is always the case when one shows up at work 'still' [still asleep, still drunk, still in drag] it becomes a productive day, i believe due to the fact that when you are operating on 10% mental powers you have no choice but to tunnel vision the most obvious tasks and distractions fall by the wayside, not because there aren't still time sucking face pleasing shining dancing funbeams in the corner of your eyes, but because if you turn to look at them you might fall over

as you can tell.. that 10% is diminishing

the handle to the door from my hall way to my living room has fallen off.. this means that if i at any point let that door close while i'm outside the living room the only 2 ways to access it will be to either remove the door from its frame with a slapstick style shoulder charge.. or to run up to my bedroom and abseil in.. i imagine i'll spend most of this evening out trying to make that choice by a complicated means of weighing up the mathmatics of the potential financial implications against the likely hood of broken bones and/or serious head injuries that may cause me to lie on the floor undiscovered till sunday evening... not that the idea of dying alone and uncomfortable on the kitchen floor is in itself that bad a prospect, but more it'd be a really crappy way to spend this forthcoming weeekend off

i'm gonna shower and iron a jumper

for everytime you say the word 'fat' today.. do ten sit ups before bed, tomorrow your pain will be directly proportional to your cruelness, i for one will not be able to stand up

and on the third day...

what did god actually create on the third day? i think it was rock pools.. but i imagine there's a big cover up about it all

ok.. so today it all went predicatably to the wall..[last night however was pretty good.. i even spoke to people.. which was nice] i woke up 5mins before work, instead of an hour, which means my pay cheques went in after work instead of before which pretty much puts a large spike through the more adventurous ideas i had for the coming weekend off, which is a pisser, then i lost my drive and failed to tick off any one the things on my great list of jobs, plans and ideals... wasting the free part of the evening looking at backlit screens

ho hum, ho hum indeed

yet still i will not be deflated! i have a bowl full of chocolates, a weekend off and a fire in my heart.. well ok, maybe not the last thing, but it sounded good to say [of course is say my blogs out loud as i type. often with fists raised to the sky, gritted teeth and tightly closed eyes... in the WHY HAVE THE GODS FORSAKEN ME! manner... cos i'm kinda special]

right.. 30mins before practice.. let's order badges & posters, design a t-shirt and maybe even fall in love

Day2Blog2

may as well stick to this eh?

that sleep thing gets worse before it gets better, i think it was around 6.30am when i finally fell asleep last night, then awake at 9.30am, back to sleep till 11.15am [i officially start work at 11am]... but aside from that, it's been a day of fairly pleasent moods.. a gentle introduction back into the joys of repetition and futility

and a bit of good news.. turns out i will likely have a whole weekend of work in a couple of days.. this is because i have failed at my job.. but thats an aside.. a whole weekend, january's paycheck in the bank... it would be a fools errand to waste it.. current options include UK city break, seeing if there is snow on ben nevis yet to slide downhill with 2 planks of wood strapped to my feet, or the one thats winning.. just show up at the airport friday morning and yell "what's cheap?!" - do they actually do those..super saver last second tickets? i hope they do..

the bad news of course is that all my friends are skint/married or in some other way chained to their routine... so it's either a lonesome mission, or make a new friend in the next 48hours.. mmm.. we'll see


i also did a thing, i invested in that diary that benrik do 'this diary will change your life' it's a novelty thing where they give you something to do every week, your supposed to follow it and it makes your year more interesting.. so let's have a look and i'll see if i'll be doing that

week 1: 'send your passport to benrik and we'll stamp it' - mmm, no harm in that, but i do't much like being without my passport for no reason, y'know.. just incase, but at a push, i can do this

week 2: 'knock on every door you see, if you are invited in, you must accept' - now this one, while time consuming it is, i like.. that's a world of social possibilities.. though i may end up with a reputation in my block of flats as 'that weird lad'... i'll see how brave i'm feeling next week

week 3: 'spy on your parents, find out more about them' - a worthwhile exercise, but my parents live 10miles away... so that really would be quite an effort.. unless i invest in some hi-tech gear for bugging and filming etc... which i guess could come in handy at a later date

week 4: 'paris hilton week - upload a video of you having sex [with a partner] to the internet... erm.. any volunteers? no? cos i mean, i totally would.. in for a penny and all that... really nobody? you sure?.. well thank god for that!..erm, i mean, damn... *phew*

week 5: 'join an extremist organisation and out extreme them'.. yes.. in the middle of the 'war against terror' what the hell am i supposed to do? and what are the chances it will result i me getting shot in the head on the tube... i think perhaps this experiment ends here

you never know though.. i could go mental between now and then

Where's Mavis? tonight... hope it's a good one, i'm in the right mood for once.

Happy 2nd January. x

Here we go again

what's the crack with this sleep thing! bed at 4, wake up at 8.30, realise how ridiculous it would be to get up after 270mins sleep, spend an hour of frustration trying to get back to the divine embrace of unconsciousness [made almost impossible by the constant repetition of the main riff from 99 red balloons rotating around your head - stupid music] fall back to sleep, alarm goes off at midday - snooze, snooze, snooze, snooze, snooze, re-set alarm, snooze some more, turn off alarm - wake up at 3.30pm immediately pissed off at wasting almost all of the last day off work - admittedly, what were you gonna do with it anyway? nothing.. pesky miserable life

as a great yellow man just said on tv, fate has a funny sense of humour

so a little light reading has shown that, predictably if i'd engaged brain at all, is the day that everyone blogs/bullitens and posts about how they will be improving their life in 2007, and let's face it, we all have a lot of work to do.. being by and large fools, and in worrying quantities, alcoholics.. of course most of what is declared in full belief and confident prose today is merely rhetoric designed to make the hangovers and new year blues go away [what kind of civilisation ritually starts the new year wishing it could just die as collective bodies reject the poisons embibed the night before] and all the crap about self-'improvement' will have fallen by the wayside within days if not hours.. but hell, if there's anyone who understands futile exercises it's me.. so let's join in

where to begin? well, as i spent 2006 gently, steadily, and sometimes cruelly, pushing away anyone and everyone... and quite succesfully i might add *looks around* which i guess i deserve a badge for... i should probably reverse that [variety being the spice of life and all that jazz].. i shall become the all loving gravitational centre of my social world.. mmm.... or maybe i'll just start changing my clothes before they start to smell like sumo wrestlers bum cracks.. either way.. you know i'll make more effort

on a similar token it's come to my attention i've forgotten how to have fun, developed unnecasary inhibitions and a strange aloofness that really doesn't suit... so erm.. i'll find a way of fixing that too... that seems a tougher one though.. so i might wait till march to get started, do a little background reading, maybe an instructional video or two, perhaps a course of night classes - write a dissertation entitled 'fun: the having of - a case study of 21st century lower-middle class merry making'

so maybe those are the biggies.. and quite difficult to grasp at.. like jelly [ever tried picking jelly up with your hands... or even better.. watching someone else do it.. hours of entertainment!] so there's the more practical.. and cliched stuff.. the stuff that you remember doing one time that seemed to make life slightly more tolerable.. y'know, like thinking and doing... now i can't really blame 2006 exclusively for the atrophication of my brain and body... it's been a slow deliberate process that started somewhere around 1995 when i got bored of being.. y'know, active and intelligent...and of course, my mother stopped cooking my meals and a balanced diet flew out of the window faster than a really fast thing.. but i reckon it's time that all stopped.. so we'll start with the reading and learning again.. maybe try with some langauges to get the double whammy of not feeling like an arrogant, ignorant brit.. which would be good for showing off at parties and stuff... i dunno.. there'll be a ponder... there will also be some of thet fancy exercise & outdoor stuff... by the end of february i will have been cyclinh, swimming, played badminton and gone skiing.. by the end of the summer there will have been climbing [and of course abseiling], caving and i will have jumped off, or out of, something into, or onto, something - i think those are fair ambitions

i will of course eat better and drink less... but thanks to the wonder of marks & spencer half of that has already begun.. so i'm ahead that's a winner!

well what do you know it, that blog did the job, i feel a little better and more motivated.... a i am hungry though.. now where is that chinese menu... [i'll order a meal i haven't had before.. that'll be the loophole in this fatal flaw]

thanks for reading...wanna go skiing?

x